Adventures In Koopland

So my addiction problems are never going to go away.

I may not have been super front and center with Pam but she was aware before anything started that I had this issue.

I told her I would fucking fix it and be better. I've told her that like a million times. I made her believe me and give me another chance when we all knew it most likely wouldn't last. Yet I am the harbinger of false hope.

I think we finally both realized this last time that it's not worth the never ending cycle of me fucking up and lying to her and then she finds out about it and is thrown into....I don't even know how to describe it, but it seems like the deepest despair of emotional pain and then that makes me feel even more shameful and embarrassed for allowing my fucking weakness to take over even though I knew it would ruin everything but when I get into that mindset I just ignore everything else and do it anyway.

I probably should have been the bigger guy and walked away after like the second time this happened. This has happened probably 15 times now... I say I love this girl and I convince her that I will stop for good and then it never happens and she loves me so she allows herself to be convinced each time and then the cut gets deeper every time the cycle repeats.

I would like to be 100% sober all the time but let's just be real guys. It's probably not going to happen. Most likely scenario is I put together a few months to a year here and there in between fuck ups.

Moving forward I just have to be honest with people who decide to get involved with me and let them know before anything starts that I have a thing that's most likely going to cause problems in the future and if you're willing to take that risk, go for it but I get it if you're not.

So that's that. It's just who I am. It's not like I'm living a sad life. The majority of my life has been pretty freaking good so far. And I'm going to enjoy whatever I got left
 
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Cure "Play" - one of my all time favorite songs

Day after day, I let you down
Promise you to change, then change my mind
And every time I promise you It will all be fine
It won't be like this next time

The days you wait turn into years
Always wait, helpless tears
Hopeless nights and all the fears
It will always be like this

But tonight we play, I think, the final act
I push too hard and you crack
Walk away, don't look back
This time you've really gone

sadchild said:
#79 Cure "Play"

Another Cure b-side I can't believe didn't make the album. A dreamy and lush track with so many beautiful layers. And the lyrics are just spilling over with apathy and sadness. I think a lot of people have experienced, or know someone who has experienced, this situation.

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IdRatherBeSkiing said:
As long as you think this way ... you give yourself an out and the cycle will continue. I hope you do break the cycle eventually.
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That‘s right.
Throwing your hands in the air and saying that it is what it is, is a cop out.
The only way to get what you want in life, (a good relationship/partner) is to break the cycle.
 
Okay I'll worry about my addictions and all that shit tomorrow. But holy fucking shit. The Eagles put up 55 points and they're going to goddamn super bowl. Let's fucking go Eagles and yeah I know this isn't the sports form or whatever but this is my thread and this is as you all know basically everything I live for.

Five fucking Eagles fly!!! On the road to a super bowl victory!!!

55 fucking points. Holy shit!!!!!
 
Why do girls always want you to open up?

Do they ever anticipate that what might come out is a fucking nightmarish hellscape?

Well I'm single now.... So opening up worked like a charm.
 
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Being single sucks. What am I supposed do? Fucking look at porn or whatever?

For the first time in my post pubescent life I didn't look at porn for months at a time.....But hello old friend, I'm back.

I totally botched our last conversation... She kept trying to get me to open up so I finally did somewhat aggressively and nobody wants to see what's inside of this head, it's disgusting....but overall the conversation was the right thing to do to prevent inevitable further pain for us both.

However, I am pretty sad now, like all the time. But sadness is for pussies (which I don't get anymore) so I just need to fucking toughen up.

Also, the Eagles are about to win the super bowl so who the fuck cares about anything else? Eagles super bowl champions.....

But then again I used to talk Eagles with Pam everyday and she was smarter about them than I and she was only a fan for like 2 years and that was super awesome and hot so..... Whatever, thinking is stupid. So are emotions.

I just need to like stop thinking....which should be pretty easy for me. Just focus on Eagles. Nothing around them. Just Eagles. That always makes me happy.

You guys read that BG is going to play right? He's 36 and manages comes back from injury early for the super bowl. He wins the super bowl then he retires. It's a fairy tale ending.... See I'm already... Well no that didn't work. Now I'm thinking about talking about it with Pam again. So fuck. Whatever.
 
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People are single all the time. If you ever get depressed about your situation, just think about IRBS and Channel98 and realize that shit happens. At least you have the ability to choose a new path going forward.
 
You've got to be comfortable with being yourself before a relationship is going to work.

scotchandcigar said:
People are single all the time. If you ever get depressed about your situation, just think about IRBS and Channel98 and realize that shit happens. At least you have the ability to choose a new path going forward.
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And you don't have to worry about clearing your browser history for a while too.
So, you know, you've got that to look forward to.
 
I don't mean to be blunt, but there is no point sugar coating it. When you chose to continue your addictions, you being single was inevitable. It is by extension your choice. I am very surprised she tolerated you for so long. I am glad she is no longer doing that co-dependent behaviour.

Now that I have said that, I do hope you do beat your additions for good someday. After that, there is no reason you can't again engage in a meaningful relationship and be happily non-single. If not, being single is not bad. I spent the first 40 years of my life single and was quite ok with it. I am single again but not by my choice but I am dealing with it. So man up.
 
.....It doesn't get much blunter..... or hard to argue with as someone with this internet-detached level of friendship.

That said, you're a good guy, or I wouldn't bother. And yes, I hope that you beat your addictions, because you do deserve to be with someone.


My best friend finds himself single in his early 50's, not by choice, but because his wife was whoring around......
He's actually pretty happy these days.
 
IdRatherBeSkiing said:
When you chose to continue your addictions, you being single was inevitable. It is by extension your choice. I am very surprised she tolerated you for so long. I am glad she is no longer doing that co-dependent behaviour.
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You're absolutely right, she gave me way too many chances and I was totally outkicking my coverage being with her. In every aspect of life and I'm not kidding about that. That's not just me being nice about my ex. She was literally above me in every possible category of life.

And I fucking blew it like an asshole. This is what I do. I need to figure out why. Maybe that would help. She really did get me to open up like I said before (after fucking pushing me a million times to do it and I told her a bunch I didn't want to) and I wasn't joking when I said disgusting shit came out. She then informed me the whole time she was trying to get me to open up she thought it would be like cute and mushy romantic shit that came out.

It was quite literally the opposite of romantic and sweet to the extreme. Like literally super super dark shit guys. Thoughts I have that I never share with anyone ever and I try not to even share them with myself. So that must have been a fun surprise for her.

IdRatherBeSkiing said:
I am single again but not by my choice but I am dealing with it. So man up.
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Yeah you're single again now but from the time you two started you were literally able to love her and spend the rest of her life together. That's pretty fucking cool man. I saw my dad do the exact same thing.

HecticArt said:
someone with this internet-detached level of friendship.
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Hahahahahahha.

HecticArt said:
That said, you're a good guy, or I wouldn't bother. And yes, I hope that you beat your addictions,
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Yeah I'm going to keep trying and when I actually get there...and I really thought I was fucking committed this time but apparently not whatever...when I actually get there I will get her back.

HecticArt said:
because his wife was whoring around......
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You got her number? I know a single dude in Florida.
 
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HecticArt said:
for as much as we know about each other
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I posted an embarrassing secret once in surprise, surprise a drunken state that was so embarrassing I asked you to delete it and you did and I think you got it before anybody else saw and you teased me about it in the DMs... Do you remember?

Hahahahah.

That's how I tried to open up to Pam the first time. I just told her all my secrets. That's what I thought was normal opening up shit....Then she had to dig deeper and she hit pay dirt. It was like the fucking Exxon Valdez of immorality.
 
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So Pam's talking to me again. Somehow I finagled that.

Yet I'm blowing it again. We had some arrangement that I'm already fucking up.

She's super cool about everything..... But then she got the real me out of me which I am so fucking embarrassed about that I only talk about if I am not sober.

There's one person in the world who knows the real fucking shit about me and every time I screw up it hurts her.... But I can't talk about it unless I'm screwing up.

You know how like Mel Gibson gets drunk and he starts screaming about the Jews? Well I get fucked up on whatever and after a million attempts to rip it out of me. It finally comes out and then it's a goddamn stream of consciousness of fucked up bullshit. It's not like racist shit or whatever but it's just immoral shit. And now that she got it out of me, I'm pretty sure she wishes she could close Pandora's box.

That's who I am. If you lick enough to get to the center of the Tootsie Pop...well the Tootsie Pop center is a fucking IED on the side of the road in goddamn Iraq and that's putting it in nicely.
 
IdRatherBeSkiing said:
The real you is not the one that is drunk.
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Dude I want to fucking say shit that I know is inappropriate in a public forum like this.... But I can't be the only one. And Pam fucking forced me to let her in. So now that I'm in I kind of fucking can't stop telling her all about it and I think she understands that she asked for this and now she has to deal with it.

And to be 100% clear again, I'm not talking about anything that some random NSA guy needs to worry about.... It's just like shit I was hoping to keep to myself forever and now I can't anymore but I can keep it to she and I.
 
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Maybe the dark shit that you unloaded on Pam is the stuff you need to be talking to the shrink about. It seems like that may be the stuff that's keeping you from turning away from the drugs.
 
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