I'm going to rant a little here cause I'm feeling a bit sad. I think typing my thoughts will might make me feel better. It will also likely make me feel all sorts of embarrassed when I re-read this in a day or two but what the hell, an emotional post is way down on the list of the most embarrassing stuff I've posted here over the years.
I'm spending the night at my Dad's and I think that's part of the reason I'm feeling down. I love hanging out with the old man and it makes me feel good to spend at least a night a week with him to do his (and my) laundry and various around the house chores he has. Recently he has been more serious about getting his affairs in order. Here I go again with the broken record thing about the old man dying, but I can't help it. Remember those bonds I talked about a few weeks back? Turns out the whole reason he's buying them is cause they will yield a monthly return of a few hundred bucks that he wanted to set up for me. He also wants to add me to his bank accounts so that it will be easier for me to have access when he's gone. Also, he asked me to set up an appointment with the estate layer to amend the trust he set up for me years ago. As it stands, I'm supposed to inherit it at 40 but he had it written like 20 years ago and now thinks that the taxes that would have to be paid on it in the 5 years before I turn 40 would be way too high. I read through the papers and it seems like there is already an out written in but I'm going to check with my Aunt about that before going to the lawyer.
And let me be clear here, we are not talking about a winning the Powerball type windfall here. I won't be turning into one of those Instagram douches anytime soon. It will be a nice supplement to my income that will help with some bills here and there. And I don't even know the exact numbers. I have a pretty good idea but he doesn't seem to want to get too specific and I'm certainly not going to push.
The way it stands now is that he set up those bonds for a monthly stipend, whatever amount he has in the bank accounts will just all transfer over to me and his stocks will all stay in tact for as long as possible and I'll get a dividend check every now and then. This all is really nice of him and is really touching. The fact that he has this whole plan is so sweet it make me want to cry. I'm kinda a fuck up of a son and he has been an amazing father for 34 year no matter what. Like I've done some shit I'm even too embarrassed to talk about here and yet it was never enough to push him away. Since my little jail stint last year I have really gotten my life together and I think he sees that and is proud of me so it makes me feel good that at least at the end I am less of a worry for him.
The reason I'm talking about all this financial stuff is cause he has never been so specific about making these plans before so it makes me think he finally may really believe it's close to the end. And besides the obvious sadness there, I'm also selfishly sad.
I've become more of a loner these days. Of course I have my friends but I've grown way more distant lately. Often I'm just not down for doing anything. And I'm single. What I'm getting at here is that when you have a wife and kids or huge group of friends and a loved one dies it's easier cause you have family around you. I know this from when my mom died. I spent a ton of time with friends after that and it really helped. Now since I have intentionally kinda isolated myself I won't have that this time around and that kinda scares me. Really that is what I was thinking about when I decided to begin writing this and I got a bit off track there for awhile. Idk.
On top of all that I now am making less money at a job where I really have 0 security. Like I said yesterday, they have been giving me good feedback and that is encouraging, but it really doesn't mean anything. If in 2 months they don't want me anymore I'll be back in the same position I was when I got fired and this time even worse off since I won't have checks coming to me for like 2 months. That is scary. I need to finish my degree. I need to think of some gig that only requires a bachelors that is something I'm interested in. I've kinda given up on the teaching thing thanks to my record but I still need to finish school in some area of study. I should have done that like 20 years ago, but like I said, I've been a big fuck up for awhile.
So in conclusion to this depressing post, I'm more or less moved to tears by how nice my father is to me and it makes me feel really good that he cares so much and is doing all he can to make things easier for me when he's gone. But that in turn makes me focus on him being gone and brings me down cause I have purposely grown more distant from my friend group and my only family beside him is 2 aunts and an uncle that live like 3 hours from me. Now look, I'm not so out of touch that I don't realize I have it really good. My father wanting to make sure my inheritance is in order is a fortunate position to be in. And of course, hopefully the old man will wind up living to 100 and all this worry will have been for naught.
And there is my Sunday night bummer post.
