1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.â€
2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?â€
3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.†The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?†“Yes,†replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.â€
5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?†The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.â€
6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!â€
7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.
9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.†A tachyon enters a bar.
11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everythingâ€.
12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?†The four men answer: “Yes.†“Oui.†“Si.†“Ja.â€
14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.
16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?â€
17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.
18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?†Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.†Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.â€
19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.â€
20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?†The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.†The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.†The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.†The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…†The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys†as he pours out a single beer.
22. What does the “B†in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.
23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.†The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?â€
24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euries?†The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?â€
25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.†The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
I like #s: 8, 9, 10, 15, 16, 17, 19, 20, 25.
2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?â€
3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.†The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?†“Yes,†replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.â€
5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?†The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.â€
6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!â€
7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.
9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.†A tachyon enters a bar.
11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everythingâ€.
12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?†The four men answer: “Yes.†“Oui.†“Si.†“Ja.â€
14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.
16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?â€
17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.
18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?†Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.†Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.â€
19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.â€
20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?†The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.†The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.†The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.†The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…†The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys†as he pours out a single beer.
22. What does the “B†in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.
23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.†The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?â€
24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euries?†The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?â€
25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.†The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
I like #s: 8, 9, 10, 15, 16, 17, 19, 20, 25.
