Channel 9: Show 9

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This episode opened up with Billy West as Mayor Dinkins. The angle of the piece centered around Dinkins succumbing to the overwhelming pressures of his job by sweating profusely at his desk. Dinkins reminded himself that because he was losing bodily fluids so rapidly that he had to replenish his liquids. Here Billy is mopping his brow of sweat, wringing his sweat into a cup and then drinking his own fluids.

"I sweat so much I have to be recycling...my own...waters".

The opening piece ended with Dinkins taking a phone call that was supposed to lead you to believe there was a huge tragedy taking place. Although Mayor Dinkins described the message from the phone caller as a disaster, what it turned out to be was Boris Becker getting a blister on his toe. Dinkins picked up a tennis racket and told the caller he would be right over.

Yes, the sounds of Stern, Martling and Stuttering John could be heard as they watched the piece in the Channel 9 studios.

After the opening montage of the show finished up, the image of Howard dressed as Larry King came into shape. The make up on the show would become one of the hallmarks of the show, mainly because of how bad it was, but here you can see the start of the experimental make up jobs.

Howard goofed on the way Larry King writes his column for USA Today.
One of the first random thoughts from Larry was, "Is it me or could you land a Piper Cub on my huge heart operation scar?"

Some of the other choice random thoughts from Larry included:
"Is this the Goodwill Games or am I confused?"..."Picking my nose in traffic is the most fun I have"..."Call me a no talent, but wasn't it a bitch coming to the blackboard with a boner?"..."Did Mrs. Brown really have a lovely daughter?"..."I can't seem to follow the plot to the Jerry Lewis Telethon"..."What's the name of my daughter?".

All of these non sequitur's made Martling, Norris and Stuttering John laugh.

 

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Howard ran out of steam after a few minutes and decided to start the show, but not before delivering this line: "Hey, you forgot to put on the Larry King nose on me?"

Howard then got onto business and the start of business meant giving Gary a new mask to wear. This ball busting on Gary wearing different masks was also starting to become something of a regular feature. It was still relatively early in the mask wearing phase, so Gary was still all smiles. Here his teeth reach out to receive the latest mask.

Howard brought out a divers helmet. The helmet was very heavy and Gary had trouble keeping the helmet on throughout the show. At times he just left the helmet off.

 

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After the break Howard played a filmed segment of Bob Hope going to Iraq. Billy played Bob Hope.

Its premise was close to that of the Frank Sinatra/Alzheimers Record Ad from a few weeks earlier.
Bob spouted off some lame one-liners, lines like, "I just flew in and boy are these broads hairy"..."Say, where are we anyway?...where's 'Fat Roseanne'?....I'd jump on that fat water buffalo...man, am I losing it".

All through the segment Jackie could be heard busting a gut. I wonder who wrote this bit?

Bob continued to struggle through his monologue and at one point confessed that he has glaucoma and he can't read the lines. Because the standard cue cards were too small for him, Bob had to resort to reading billboards. With Bob still having trouble reading the billboard cue cards Bob asked, "Could you move that billboard a little closer?"

After hitting the billboard joke a couple of times, Bob then looked to the sky to get his jokes from a skywriter. Bob eventually became confused again when he said, "Blib blab pool too". It turned out Bob was just reading a cloud.

Here Bob says, "These Arabs, they're holding back oil, so why don't we just tap Jerry Lewis' head?"

After the filmed segment Howard got Robin to do her news segment.
Robin continued to talk a little bit about Bob Hope not going to Iraq and how he was going to be replaced by Jay Leno. Robin also had a video of Americans taking out their aggression on Saddam Hussein by shooting paint balls at his picture. Howard went to break and came back with more news from Robin. Robin talked about the MTV Awards. She had video of Howard's current television nemesis Arsenio Hall. Arsenio hosted the awards and came out dressed in a very unique way.

Well, Howard thought it was very unique. He tried to replicate the look but he was having trouble getting the look to work for him.

Howard lightly goofed on the various celebrities that attended the show. Howard came to life when he saw this image. He replayed it again in slow motion.

 

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They ended the news and went to break. After the break Howard brought out Iggy Pop.

This was a very uncomfortable interview because Howard also booked Angie Bowie for the show. As it turned out Iggy and Angie were no longer friendly with each other. Howard wanted the two of them to be on together to talk about David Bowie, but Iggy wasn't interested in taking part in that kind of interview. Iggy thought that if Angie didn't have anything positive to say about herself, what's the point of her talking about other people in a negative light. Here Iggy makes the face of a "gossiper", or to be blunt, like Angie.

Howard started to look uncomfortable. He also looked as if he needed to save the segment. Howard asked Iggy to pick up his guitar and sing something. Iggy sang "I Wanna Be Your Dog", a song from his 'Stooges' days of the late sixties. The song was edited down to a couple of verses and a chorus by Channel 9 after Iggy's performance. Iggy appeared to be getting out a little aggression while singing the song.

Howard didn't know that song, he asked Iggy what he meant when he said he wanted to be a dog. Iggy corrected Howard, he said, "Not 'A' dog...'YOUR' dog". Iggy started to expound on what he meant by the song, but Howard wasn't listening, Howard was trying to make a joke. Howard said to Iggy that he has Bowie on the phone and that David and Angie are back together. Iggy answered back by playing his guitar loudly and interrupting Howard every time Howard tried to speak. Once Howard was allowed to speak again Howard asked if Iggy would stick around when Angie comes out. Iggy said he wasn't interested in staying if that was the case. Howard tried to bait Iggy by saying, "Iggy, you're so wild I thought you weren't afraid of her." Iggy wasn't having any of it. Iggy said, "I'm splitting this, I don't need this shit". Iggy left shortly after Howard plugged Iggy's new record.

After the commercial break Howard brought out Angie Bowie.

Howard talked with Angie briefly about David Bowie and then brought out May Pang and Tony Visconti to join Angie on set.

Howard mentioned to May that he could see May's breasts and that she had huge breasts for an Oriental woman.

Howard wondered why Angie was laughing during Howard's inspection of May's breasts, he said "What are you laughing at?...just because I didn't say you're breasts are beautiful?"

Angie said her breasts aren't big, they're like fried eggs.

 

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Howard asked Tony what May screams out when having sex. Howard figured May said things like, "Ching Chang O Wang Bang!!!"

Then Howard went on his usual John Lennon worship by asking what it must be like to make love to John Lennon. Howard wondered if May felt John's genius rushing through her when he made love to her?

May showed some rare pictures of John from her personal collection. Howard asked if John was a great lover. He wanted to know if he lasted more than three minutes while making love. Howard also asked Angie if Bowie was a great lover. Angie placated Howard by giving a mock answer that David was everything that Howard hoped he was in bed. After talking with Angie, Howard went back to May for another round of John Lennon worship. This time he just wanted to smell May's hands.

The Stuttering John segment came at the end of the show. This week John went on a search for Eddie Murphy. Here John is standing in front of Rockefeller Center talking about how much Eddie Murphy means to him. Howard stopped the tape and asked John what the hell was happening in this video.

John explained that he was "prerequisiting" the piece first. Howard called him out on the definition of "Prerequisite". John started to stammer pretty badly. Here you can see John slowing his answer down to a grinding halt by using his hands as a method to put his thoughts in order. Howard called him an idiot and that he must have gone to "Iggy Pop School".

 

[Ifandorbut]

John walked up to random black guys on the street and asked them if they were Eddie Murphy.
John was having a hard time "searching down" Eddie. John went to the building that housed the Paramount offices.

John got inside, but he ran into security. This man pointed to John's camera and told John to "Shut that off!!!"

John's quest finally lead him to Bubble Hill and to the speaker box of Eddie Murphy's front gate. John asked to see Eddie, but Eddie was not in. John wanted to talk to the voice in the box, but the voice said he wasn't allowed to converse with him about Eddie.

Howard said it looked like John was interviewing a midget fireplace.

The voice asked if he was speaking to Stuttering John.

Before John left he got to talk to a woman driving up to the gate. The woman knew of John, but she also didn't want to talk to him about Eddie.

Before the show ended Howard said that he didn't want to do this show anymore, but if anyone out there is watching, please write us letters and show your support of the show.

Here's one last image, a picture of the cameraman. This guy will be good-natured while taking his share of abuse in shows to come.