Channel 9: Show 8

[Ifandorbut]

This episode started off with Billy dressed up as Ethel Merman singing a new version of "That's Entertainment".

'He's hung like a safety pin and his nose, it hangs over his chin...
Still he is the best has been...in TV Entertainment.'

Billy didn't hold back, he really sold the song with appropriate hand gestures to help him hit all of the high notes. You could also hear Jackie and Howard laughing in the background while Billy was singing.

Howard had to tell the viewers that Ethel Merman was a guy. Howard ran through what was happening on the show tonight. He said that Penn from Penn and Teller was coming on tonight. Howard said he didn't need Teller because he has no talent. Howard also mentioned that people have been writing into the show and complaining about Gary's teeth.

Gary asked, "Who's been complaining?"

He was then answered promptly in the studio.

Howard had a new solution. This time the solution came by way of a mask of armor.

After talking about the Jerry Lewis Telethon briefly, Howard played a clip of Stuttering John at a ZZ Top press conference. John asked if they ever threw up and got big chunks of puke in their beard. He asked how many people complement them on their cough drops. He also asked if Sinead O' Connor gives them a boner.

Sorry, the screen captures on this didn't show up very well.

ZZ Top laughed at all of the questions. Howard then went to break.

After coming back from the break Howard talked about Kitty Dukakis' latest confessions of being a full time alcoholic after her husbands unsuccessful bid to be President. As it would turn out, Howard had a filmed bit starring Billy West of Kitty.

Kitty talked of how she would get her fix of alcohol by drinking hair spray and perfume.

She also mentioned that sometimes when no one was looking...

She would drink from the gas pump.

 

[Ifandorbut]

Howard switched gears from Kitty Dukakis back to himself. Howard talked about why he grows his hair out long and over his face. He said he does it to hide his ugly face. That said, Howard decided to get a makeover from a woman named Lolly. The makeover was filmed for the Channel 9 Show. Here's Lolly and Howard discussing Howard's face.

Lolly says that Howard is handsome.

Lolly made up Howard in a ski outfit. I'm not sure as to why.

Howard mugged for the camera by licking his lips seductively.

While watching the filmed makeover in the studio, Howard kept asking Robin if he looks good dressed this way.

Besides hearing Robin reaffirm Howard's insecure cries for acceptance, one can't help but hear Jackie busting a rib laughing at Howard parading around in a ski outfit.

Howard switched gears abruptly after the filmed segment was over. He said he couldn't help but feel disappointed in what Lolly picked out for him to wear. He said he was expecting something better.

Howard told Lolly to listen to a 'Brother P. Touch' commercial because she's already said enough. Howard had a man playing the accordion while he read through the commercial.

 

[Ifandorbut]

After coming back from the break Howard had Robin read the news. Robin played a video of what Iraqi-Americans think about the upcoming war. After playing the video Howard noticed that Robin's shirt was coming off.

Robin then played a video clip of Leona Helmsley screwing up the words to 'God Bless America'.

After playing the clip Howard noticed that he could still see Gary's face and it was distracting to him. So Howard had Gary close the lid so he wouldn't continue to be distracted by Gary's teeth.

Robin did a story about Paula Abdul snubbing the MTV Awards because MTV had been playing clips of Paula Abdul as a teenager before her alleged face surgery. Robin put up the side by side views. Howard said Lolly must have done her makeover.

Robin also played a clip of Sinead O' Connor. Howard remarked that the picture looked like an X-Ray of Joni Mitchell.

 

[Ifandorbut]

Howard then read a live spot for Snapple while the accordion player played a medley of accordion hits. Gary come out to bring him some bottles for Howard to model for the live read. Howard had a different idea for the bottles.

Howard asked Gary if he ever tried Snapple. After Gary said he had and that he liked Snapple. Howard said he should try this Creme of Vanilla.

Gary hung in for as long as he could, but he had to pull away. Howard said that Snapple is the only drink that "Howard Stern" drinks. He then told Gary to give a Snapple to the accordion player so that he would stop playing.

 

[Ifandorbut]

Howard brought out Penn and Penn did a beeline straight to the accordion player. He took the accordion off of the accordion player and took the accordion over to the desk where it couldn't be played any longer. Penn then sat down to start his interview with Howard.

Howard wanted Penn to do magic. Penn obliged by asking Howard to take a small bean from his stash. Penn inhaled the bean that Howard picked out through his nose. Penn was going to make the bean travel from his sinus through to his eye socket. Once Penn got the bean firmly in place inside his sinus he needed a reluctant helper to hold the bean once it came out of his eye socket...so he chased down Robin.

After Penn captured Robin he made Robin hold out her hand palm up.

Penn then began to squeeze the bean from his sinus through to his eye socket.

And here's the little white bean in Robin's hand.

Robin had a genuine look of surprise and Penn started thinking of what kind of magic it would have to take in order for Robin to go out with him.

 

[Ifandorbut]

After the magic trick Penn had a friend to help him play the accordion while Howard read a Nutrisystem ad.

Howard said that Robin looks gorgeous after being on the Nutrisystem diet.

Howard was contemplating getting a tattoo, so he had people come out to model their tattoos. Howard said he was thinking of getting a tattoo of a small nose tattooed onto his nose.

That tattoo segment was very lame. Howard didn't see anything that he would like to get for himself.

Howard cut this lame segment short in order to start a new lame segment. Howard brought out Al Rosenberg as 'Morty Ghandi', an Indian stand up comic.

All of the jokes fell flat. Howard tried to rush the segment along. The camera crew caught Penn pretending to sleep on Robin's shoulder because of how bad the segment was.

 

[Ifandorbut]

In what was fast becoming the most popular segment of the show, Howard brought out the Stuttering John interview portion of the show. Tonight John cornered Sue Simmons at a nightclub lounge.

John asked Sue if she thought that she makes a lot of mistakes during the news? He also asked her that when she makes mistakes does it make it harder to not make more mistakes?

John then asked her if she ever cut the cheese on the air. Sue didn't understand what 'cutting the cheese' meant. John tried to clarify by saying, "You know...did ya ever, you know...crack a rat?...you know, pass some wind on the air?"

John also asked her if she ever paid for sex. Howard wondered what John was on about. He said John talked to Sue longer than he(Howard)talks to his wife.

John ended the segment by asking Sue for a kiss.

 

[Ifandorbut]

John then interviewed Marc Christian, a man that dated Rock Hudson. John asked him if Rock was hung like a safety pin?

John then asked him "Who got hit in the face with more balls, Yogi Berra or Rock Hudson?"

Howard made fun of the way that Marc had to actually think about the question, as if it were a serious question.

John then interviewed Judy Carne. He asked Judy if she wanted to smoke some weed with him. Judy declined the offer and said he shouldn't ask her those types of questions. Judy had just recently completed a drug rehab assignment and was trying to remain clean of drugs. John tried to persuade her by tempting her again by saying, "I've got some gnarly quarter ounce".

John played video of his luck at picking up a waitress. John was able to get her phone number. Sorry, I didn't think the screen capture was good enough to include here.

The strangest interview occurred when Village Voice writer Michael Musto asked John for an interview.

Michael had a lot to get off of his chest concerning Howard. Michael thought that Howard was a homophobic self-loathing person that should be castrated. Howard let that put down sink in for a minute.

John said he felt like he was interviewing the 'gay Pee-Wee Herman'. John was having trouble spitting out the next question.

A person off camera started yelling at John for giving Marc Christian a strange interview. He said John was a "fag basher". He took Michael away from John. John told the guy to "Get Outta Here!!!"

 

[Ifandorbut]

Howard then brought out "future millionaires" Kid n Play.

Howard wanted to end the show with an MTV inspired dance. He wanted Robin to imitate Downtown Julie Brown.

Howard told people to join him next week.

Howard got real comfortable with one of the girls.

Here's another shot of what her body looked like from the side.

Jackie found his bitch in the crowd of dancers, too.

And so the episode came to an end. It started with the inner circle raising their hands to show Gary how many people are disgusted by his teeth and it ended with Gary raising his hand while an armor plate blocked those huge choppers from sight.