Channel 9: Show 12

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Seeing that the "tapes team" have put Master Tape on hold until after the 2008 calender year, I thought I might get off of my lazy ass and try to finish what I once started a couple of months ago; chronicling the infamous Howard Stern Channel 9 Shows.

These shows represent the best/funniest and most outrageous era of the Howard Stern Show. The only complaints leveled at Howard and his show during these years were that he was too much of an asshole to his guests, that he couldn't be heard in a lot of major markets, that he was the embodiment of the decline of Western civilization and of course that Robin talked, laughed and interrupted the show too much.

In any case, we pick back up on Show 12.

This show opened with New York Post columnist Cindy Adams bemoaning Howard Stern as a "pig, a dog, a rat and a skunk" while on a Channel 9 morning talk show.

Howard could be overheard insulting the video of Cindy being played back in the studio by saying, "You crusty old yenta, why don't you dry up and go to...@#%!, who needs you, you useless antique, go sleep with your husband".

And with that part of his business taken care of, Howard started off another show.

 

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Howard and the gang came back from the opening montage laughing heartily as if already in mid-joke. After the initial ironic excitement of hoops and hollers were performed, Howard went instinctively towards the topic of Robin and her breasts. Howard mentioned that her breasts were lovely and that Robin must have wanted to give the show BIG ratings by wearing that top.

Howard talked about the guests coming on the show for a couple of minutes, but when the formalities were finally out of the way Howard again went for the easy kill, and the easy kill was Gary.
Howard wanted Gary to put on his special covering for this week. Gary complained that he couldn't see and that the covering made it difficult for him to help with the duties of producer. But it mattered not, Gary had to put on the lampshade.

 

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Howard wanted to let the viewers in on some of "backstage" politics of cutting promos at Channel 9. He talked about the problems he incurred with the Channel 9 producers when he went off script and made fun of the Tony Danza reruns that play all day on the station.

After cutting from the first take they went back down into the huddle to try it again. I thought of leaving the information on the screen up. I don't understand why it says SHOW 13 when it was being made for Show 12. I might have messed up, but these shows are running in order from a list I found on the Internet, sorry if it's incorrect.

If you look closely you can see Fred dressed up as Jean Casem, so they shot this promo while making Show 11.

 

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They came back from break and brought out Sally Kirkland. Sally was a semi-regular guest on Howard's radio show, so Howard and Sally had a pretty good chemistry together. Howard said that Sally is great because she's not uptight with her body.

Howard started to flirt with Sally by telling her that she was very sexy. Sally mentioned back to Howard that his wife is probably watching this at home right now and that she might not approve. Sally called Howard's wife "Lillian" for some reason. Howard went with it and even took things a lot further by declaring that his wife is dead and that he's not sure if he's ready to be in a relationship now.

Howard said he just wanted someone to hold him. Howard embraced Sally and even put his head on her chest and started kissing her. Sally put the block back on by mentioning that Howard has two beautiful daughters.

Howard went on with a typical Howard interview; he talked about how women were never into him and that he can't get chicks of Sally's caliber, he asked her if she was wearing underwear and he flirted and flirted and flirted.

 

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After another break Howard brought out Kadeem Hardison from the Cosby spin off, "A Different World".

Howard spent a lot of time trying to get Kadeem to say something about Bill Cosby. He asked him about the pay scale for a young black actor like Kadeem. Howard tried to pit Kadeem against Jasmine Guy, but Kadeem didn't take the bait. The interview was a bit scattered. At one point Kadeem and Sally were holding hands and Howard took quick notice of it. He told Kadeem that he would probably be sleeping Sally by the end of the night.

Howard also showed a clip from Kadeem's latest movie. Robin said she saw the movie, even though the movie only played in one theater in New York over one weekend.

 

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Coming back from break Howard brought out Stuttering John to play his most recent video of retarded questions of the stars. Before getting to the segment, Howard asked John about the status of the Morton Downey, Jr lawsuit.

John said that his back is hurting since the incident and that he is going to seek legal council from Dominic BlahBlah.

Howard got to the Stuttering John segment. This week John crashed the Dalai Lama press conference hosted by Richard Gere. John wanted Howard to know that it's kind of hard to understand the Dalai Lama because he only speaks broken English. Robin quipped back, "You mean just like you?".

Howard said that the people there didn't even care about the Dalai Lama, that they were only there to see Richard Gere.

 

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John asked, "What was it like to wake up one day and realize that you were God?". Richard Gere interrupted the Dalai Lama from answering because he thought the question was too silly. Richard made the mistake of asking John to ask another question. John obliged by asking, "Do people ever say, do people ever say, do people ever say...'Hello Dalai'?"

Howard imitated the mania he thought was going on inside of Richard Gere's head after John's question by waving his hands animatedly.

 

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After the Dalai Lama press conference John tried to corner Richard Gere. Richard told John that he was a "Wacko". Richard tried his best to stay away from John, but John managed to ask Richard, "Why did you go bottomless in 'Breathless'?

 

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Richard moved out of the press conference room and into a large waiting room just outside of the press conference room where he could talk to Connie Chung without any interruptions from the likes of Stuttering John.

You can make out the anxiuos look on John's face as he waits to be given access to the waiting room so he can ask Richard more embarrassing questions. The man with the goatee is deliberately blocking John from getting access to Richard and Connie.

 

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After letting John into the waiting area, Richard and Connie walked back into the press conference room. By doing this shifty maneuver the security people effectively isolated John outside of the press conference room. The security people made up a rule on the spot by saying that "once you leave the room, you can't come back in".

John was still able to get a question to Richard that was answered. He asked Richard, "Do you like the Howard Stern Show?" To which Richard replied, "Not today".

 

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With the press conference over John set his sights on Connie Chung. Connie really didn't want to be interviewed by John and she did her best to get away from him as fast as she could. Knowing that she was being filmed, she did her best not to look like an asshole in the process.

In a very short time John was able to ask her:

"Do you fantasize about Howard?"

"Are you a Jew?"

"Do you smoke pot?"

"Why won't Maury come on the show?"

John chased her onto the street, but Connie just went away.

 

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Howard talked about Connie as "not being pregnant" still. Howard also said that Richard Gere showed tremendous restraint with John. Robin mentioned that she fell out of love with Richard Gere when she saw Richard Gere's penis exposed in the movie "Breathless". After insulting Connie and Richard, Howard took a commercial break.

Coming back from commercial break Robin started up her news segment. Robin told a story of a "miracle" that took place in New York. Robin said that somebody found a statue in a tree, started praying to it and sticking money into it only to now find that the statue has been cut out of the tree. Howard said he thought that the miracle in question was that Gary finally brushed his teeth, but Robin assured Howard that that miracle hasn't happened yet.

Howard donated money into the reward coffer that the local merchants started up. Here's a copy of the "thank you" letter sent back to Howard.

Robin talked about the significance of the statue that was stolen, what kind of fortune is was believed to bestow upon those that prayed to it. Robin said she went through and purchased a dozen St. Joseph statues so that they might finally get ratings.

Howard said that this statue wasn't that of St. Joseph, but that it was Joe Piscopo and his fiance. After the joke, in the background Jackie Martling's laugh could be heard loud and clear.

 

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Robin continued her news with a story about Canadian tourists getting mugged after trying to help a woman in distress. Robin had another story about the black community intimidating Korean shop stores in New York. Howard couldn't understand what the people were saying in either story. They went to break and cut the news segment short.

Coming back from the break Howard brought out "Papa" John Phillips. Howard and John talked about John's daughter Chyna Phillips and how much Howard wanted to "meet" her. Howard wanted John to sing a medley of his hits. After John tuned up his guitar, Howard made John sing a verse from California Dreamin'. Howard and Robin sang back up while Jackie, Fred and Gary clapped in time. Howard also made John sing a song that was dedicated to and about Howard called, "The Elegant Jew". John giggled through the song. Howard decided the song wasn't about him at all and that it was probably about John.

While the credits rolled and the song started to peter out, Jackie, Fred and Gary started singing the background parts to "Monday, Monday". John put away his guitar in mock protest and said, "I quit, I've had it".

And thus ended another Howard Stern Channel 9 Show.

It wasn't up there with the best of his shows, but it was still pretty entertaining, especially the Stuttering John segments. They were still having trouble making the news segment work with a good flow of wise cracking and hi-jinx and a lot of the segment breaks came off awkwardly, as if they were being chopped at the last minute to make time.

But after twelve shows, they had yet to make any show with the look and feel of people going through the motions. Although admittedly tired, they never looked as if the process of making television was a tiresome process. This was television that had the look and feel of something organic, fresh and exciting. This was an inner circle that looked eager to try their hands out at the type of irreverent humor on television that they were becoming known for on radio.