Any good NASCAR jokes out there?

Discussion in 'NASCAR' started by dpkimmel2001, Dec 12, 2008.

  1. dpkimmel2001

    dpkimmel2001 Well-Known Member

    Anyone know or hear any NASCAR jokes? Post some. Don't take them personal people! Here are some I found......

    It's the Super Bowl of Motorsports, the Daytona 500, I go to my seat...way up to the top of Sprint Tower. There is a lone gentleman sitting one seat away with an empty seat in between. The race is well underway, and I comment to the gentleman in regards to this empty seat, "imagine missing a race like this, and how much they may have paid for that unused ticket". He explained that was his wife of 30 years seat, and that she had passed away. I, of course, felt terrible, gave my condolences and asked him why he did not give it to a friend or family member, he said..."They're all at her funeral".

    A little boy ran away from home and a cop saw him and said "Hey little boy, what are you doing?" The little boy replied "I'm running away from home." The cop asked him "Why are you doing that?" The little boy replied "Because my dad beats me." The cop says "Oh, well get in the car and I will take you to your mothers." And the little boy says "No, No! She beats me too!" The cop says "Do you have an uncle?" "Yes but he beats me too", replied the little boy. And the cop says "Get in the car and I'll take you to your grandmother's then." The little boy says "No, no, no! My grandmother beats me also." The cop says "Well little boy, is there anywhere I can take you where nobody will beat you?" And the little boy says "Take me to live with Dale Earnhardt JR. because he can't beat anybody."

    Jeff Gordon is out jogging. He slips on a damp bridge, hits his head, and falls into an icy river. Three kids see it happen and jump into to save him. When he comes to, he says, "Boys, you saved Jeff Gordon. You each deserve a reward. You name it, and I'll give it to you." The first kid says, "I'd like a ticket to Disney World." Gordon says, "I'll take care of it personally." The second boys says, "I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbo's." Gordon says, "I'll take care of that myself." The third kid says, "I'd like a wheelchair with a built in stereo." Gordon says, "I'll personally.....Wait a second, you're not handicapped." The kid says, I will be when my father finds out who I saved from drowning!!!!!"

    A man walks into a bar with his dog. A Cup race is on a TV. He sits down and asks how Jeff Gordon is doing. The bartender says.."Gordon is in 25th". The dog jumps up, and runs around the barstool 25 times. A couple of laps later, the bartender says "Gordon is up to 10th". The dog jumps up again and runs around the barstool 10 times. A few laps later, the bartender says "Gordon is up to 3rd", after which the dog again jumps up and runs around the barstool 3 times. The bartender says "WOW!!!! That dog is amazing!! What does he do if Gordon wins???" "I don't Know", says the man, "I've only had him a little over a year!!!"
     
  2. antsie

    antsie Well-Known Member

    Why does Montoya never hit the wall?
    The wall aint got no numbers on it.



    What does Wallace stand for?
    We All Look Like A**holes Chasing Earnhardt


    Mark Martin was sitting in a bar having a drink. Jeff Gordon walks up behind him, and smacks him on the back of Mark's head.....knocking him to the floor. As Mark is getting up, jeff says "Judo chop from Japan." Mark goes back to his drink, and jeff sits down beside him. After a few minutes, jeff gets up, and kicks the stool out from under Mark. As Mark is dusting himself off, jeff says "Karate kick from Korea." Mark Martin decides he's had enough, and leaves the bar.
    A short time later, Mark returns, slams jeffy across the back of his skull, knocking him completely unconcious. Mark turns to the bartender and says, "When he wakes up, tell him 'Crowbar From Sears'."
     
  3. riskybzns

    riskybzns Well-Known Member

    lmao @ the juney and martin jokes.
     
  4. TSSJimmyCoN

    TSSJimmyCoN Member

    The world's biggest NASCAR fan died and went to heaven. When he arrived he found himself the best seat at the most fabulous track he'd ever seen. There he saw Alan Kulwicki and Davey Allison racin' side by side in 1 & 2. Down in 3 & 4 he saw Tim Richmond and Neil Bonnett doin' the same, when all of the sudden the rainbow colored #24 streaked by. 'OH NO!' exclaimed the man, when did this happen? St. Peter replied, 'Don't worry, that's God's car, he just loans it to Jeff Gordon on the weekends!'
     
  5. antsie

    antsie Well-Known Member

    Did you hear that Jeff Gordon is getting a new crew chief from China?
    His name is Win-Won Soon.
     
  6. antsie

    antsie Well-Known Member

    I had an experience that has changed me forever. The other day I went on my first racing outing. Everything was going fine until the car starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown into the wall. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the gas pedal. The car went out of control, I could not get to the brake, in the grass, up in the wall back down across the track, the car did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the WalMart manager came and unplugged it.
     
  7. dpkimmel2001

    dpkimmel2001 Well-Known Member

    If Michael Waltrip, Juan Pablo Montoya, and Brian Vickers were in a boat and the boat sinks....who would survive??? Half the cars in Sundays race!!!

    Did you hear that Dale Earnhardt Jr. went to work for the telephone company? So he could finally get on the pole.

    Did you hear WalMart is being sued? Seems a lady tried on an Montoya tee shirt. She hit the wall three times before she could get out of the dressing room!!!
     
  8. dpkimmel2001

    dpkimmel2001 Well-Known Member

    A reporter was walking through town when he saw a small child being attacked by a pit bull. Just then, a boy ran over to the fracas and with his bare hands, grabbed the dog, pulled him off the child and snapped his neck, all in one quick motion. The reporter ran over and said, "That was the most courageous thing I've ever seen. I can see the headlines tomorrow morning 'Earnhardt fan saves child from vicious dog attack'." "Well," said the boy, "That's great, but I'm not really much of a fan of the Intimidator." "No problem," said the reporter. "I'll just make it read 'Stewart supporter kills ferocious pit bull, saves small boy'." "But I'm really not a Tony Stewart fan, either," said the boy. "Well," asked the reporter, "Who DO you root for?" "I'm a fan of Jeff Gordon, the Rainbow Warrior in the number 24 Dupont Chevrolet," he said proudly. Sure enough, the very next morning, the Charlotte Observer ran the following headline: "Redneck Punk Slays Beloved Family Pet."
     
  9. dpkimmel2001

    dpkimmel2001 Well-Known Member

    Three NASCAR fans were on their way to a Race when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a female dead body. Out of respect the Earnhardt Jr. fan took off his hat and placed it over right breast. The Stewart fan took off his hat and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Kevin Harvick fan took his hat off and placed it over her crotch. The police were called and when he arrived, the officer conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the #88 hat, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted up the #20 hat, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. The officer then lifted the #29 hat, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced, lifted it a third time, replaced it. The Harvick fan was getting upset and asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? You keep lifting and looking and lifting and looking." The officer said, "No, I am just surprised; normally when I look under a #29 hat, I find an a#@hole."
     
  10. dpkimmel2001

    dpkimmel2001 Well-Known Member

    So it seems it was Time for Mark Martin to have his yearly check-up to get his medical clearence to run another year in Nascar. He had been through the gambit of test and everything seemed fine. The doctor was finishing up and just making conversation and said, "Well Mark you seem to be in fine shape for a man your age. So, hows your love life? Are you and Mrs. Martin still able to make love?" Mark replies,"Almost every night". The doctor is astounded. "Every night?" he asks. Mark says, "Yep, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on......
     
  11. dpkimmel2001

    dpkimmel2001 Well-Known Member

    Top Ten signs you’re at a NASCAR fan’s funeral

    10. Casket features an exact replica of the GM Goodwrench paint scheme
    9. The deceased is referred to as being “out of provisionals"
    8. Heart-stirring eulogy delivered by Dr. Jerry Punch
    7. “Amazing Grace" is performed by a 9-year-old girl from Bristol, Tennessee
    6. Only the first 43 cars are allowed in the procession
    5. Hearse referred to as the pace car
    4. Procession weaves back and forth to keep heat in the tires
    3. Cars caught speeding leaving the church have to go to the rear of the procession
    2. First time mourners have an orange stripe on the trunk of their car

    and the number one sign you’re at a NASCAR funeral:
    1. No coolers over 14 inches allowed in the chapel
     
  12. zevious

    zevious Member

    A man walks into a bar with his dog.

    A Sprint Cup race is on a TV. He sits down and asks how Jeff Gordon is doing. The bartender says “Gordon is in 25th”. The dog jumps up, and runs around the barstool 25 times.

    A couple of laps later, the bartender says “Gordon is up to 10th”. The dog jumps up again and runs around the barstool 10 times.

    A few laps later, the bartender says “Gordon is up to 3rd”,
    after which the dog again jumps up and runs around the barstool 3 times

    The bartender says “WOW!! That dog is amazing!! What does he do if Gordon wins?”

    “I don’t know”, says the man, “I’ve only had him for a year!”
     
  13. zevious

    zevious Member

    Once a kid’s parents got divorced and during the hearing the judge ask the kid if he wanted to go live with his daddy and the kid said no because my daddy might beat me. So the judge ask what about your mother? and the kid said no because my mother might beat me. So again the judge ask what about your grandparents
    and again the kid said no because they beat me. So finally the judge ask the kid who he wanted to live with and the kid replied "well I think I want to go live with Dale Earnhardt Jr. because he hasn’t beaten anybody in a long time.
     
  14. dpkimmel2001

    dpkimmel2001 Well-Known Member

    You Might Be A Redneck If....

    You think the last four words of the
    National Anthem are "Gentlemen Start Your Engines!!!"...

    You think Heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach Florida

    You have the word NASCAR in your wedding vows....

    You go to a stock car race and don't need a program...

    You can change a tire faster than you can change a diaper...

    You've spent more time on the top of a Winnebago than in one...

    The word bank makes you think of turn three at Daytona..

    You spell out Nascar in Christmas lights....

    You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can't
    remember your wifes birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary...

    Your favorite NASCAR souvenir was a direct result of a crash in turn three...

    You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car
    number but can't remember how old your children are....

    You know who is actually leading the Sprint Cup Series....

    You have a lifesize cutout of Dale Earnardt in your Living Room...
     

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