NASCAR missed the boat on this one.

dpkimmel2001

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Nov 6, 2008
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Now, this would have been far more interesting than the banquet. Why couldn't this have been televised?

LAS VEGAS -- It wasn't X-rated, but it was close. The Jimmie Johnson roast on Wednesday was adults-only entertainment.

No surprise in Sin City, but it might have surprised a few of the 300 fans who paid $250 a ticket to attend the show at Las Vegas Motor Speedway.

If so, they should have stayed home. A church service, it wasn't. But it was bust-a-gut humor from start to finish.

If only the awards banquet could be this good. But NASCAR would have to move the telecast to HBO and have a pre-event warning about adult content.

Everything was fair game, from JJ's hair loss to his sex life. One example from Ryan Newman:

"Wow. Four championships in a row, Jimmie. I bet you wish you could do that with your wife."

Then Newman looked at 82-year-old Speedway Motorsports Inc. chairman Bruton Smith.

"Hey Bruton," Newman said. "You got some pills for Jimmie to help him?"

And this from former teammate Brian Vickers, one of Johnson's closest friends:

"Jimmie does take a pill every day," Vickers said. "It's Propecia. If he didn't take it, he'd be bald by now. I think that's his secret. It's the hair. He started taking the pill about the same time he started winning championships."

And that's the clean stuff. Four-letter words were flying. Many of the jokes, some of which I can't repeat here, were worthy of a Vegas nightclub act.

The Chase drivers, along with comedian Kevin Burke (the event host), let loose. But they spent more time roasting each other than they did Johnson.

Burke got in a shot at every Chase driver.

On Mark Martin: "I'm not saying Mark is old, but the pole sitter for his first race was Ben-Hur. And Mark's new sponsor is Depends."

On Kasey Kahne: "Where's Kasey? Oh, sorry, buddy. I couldn't see you sitting behind all the adults. Hey, Kasey, Danica Patrick may be coming to NASCAR, so at least you'll have somebody you can beat in a fistfight."

On Tony Stewart: "Tony had to give his monkey to a zoo. You can always tell which one is his. It's the one throwing [crap] at all the other monkeys."

On Carl Edwards: "We've all seen Carl shirtless and pantless in ESPN [The] Magazine. So he feels right at home here with so much topless entertainment. But, Carl, lapped traffic here means something completely different."

Burke even got a shot in on a non-Chaser -- Dale Earnhardt Jr.: "Yeah, that was a great free-agent pickup," he said, rolling his eyes. "He is famous for being famous. Junior is now the Paris Hilton of NASCAR."

Nothing was off-limits, including Burke addressing the ridiculous rumors from years ago that Jeff Gordon was gay.

"Jeff, I know you're not," Burke said. "But you are good-looking enough to be, and if you were, I would be too.''

Gordon made the most of the joke when he took the podium.

"Hey, Carl," he said to Edwards. "Good job. I can tell you that marrying a pretty girl and having a baby is a great cover."

Edwards saved his digs for the man of the hour, and Johnson's crew chief, Chad Knaus.

"Jimmie, I just have one question," Edwards said. "When you and Chad turn off the lights at night and hit the sack, who is the big spoon and who is the little spoon?"

Everyone and everything got roasted, including New York, the previous host city for Champions Week.

LVMS president Chris Powell got in his shot: "I just wanted everyone to know the high today will be in the mid-40s and rain is expected the rest of the week. In New York City!"

About 500 fans attended the Fanfest earlier in the day at the track, which included brief comment on stage by the Chase drivers.

"This beats the hell out of being in New York,'' Stewart told the crowd. "I'm not a New York guy. This is a thousand times better than New York."

When the drivers took their seats in the Blackjack Club at LVMS, it was time for Johnson to endure the abuse.

From Denny Hamlin: "The only thing faster than Jimmie's car is his receding hairline."

From Kahne: "Jimmie, you're the man who has it all: money, a gorgeous wife, four championships and a great personality. Well, you do have money, a gorgeous wife and four championships."

From Martin: "Jimmie, you're 34. They're already on you about losing your hair and your sex life. I can tell you from experience it's all downhill from here."

There was much more in the hourlong roast, but some of it requires proper ID. No, it wasn't X-rated, but an R rating applies. And it was the best show in town.

The roast of Sprint Cup champ Jimmie Johnson at Las Vegas Motor Speedway was the best show in town - ESPN
 

dpkimmel2001

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On CBL's show last night, they played quite a few clips from it and it was hilarious IMO. Carl Edwards and others said that they were handed a bunch of talking points and ideas but most all of the drivers ventured out on their own. He also said that next year will be better as he now knows there are no limits.
 

Calypso

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Apr 29, 2009
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here's a couple more I found on NASCAR.com

The track hosted a charity roast of Johnson, with all 12 Chase drivers in attendance -- and none held back.

Said Kurt Busch: "I figured out a new Chase format. Every Chase race, we pull out of a hat who gets to have Chad Knaus as their crew chief. Because it's certainly not your talent that wins you all these championships."

Said fellow four-time champion Jeff Gordon: "Man, you've won four straight championships. I used to be the man. Now you got me on everything. At least my eyebrows are better than yours."

Said Hendrick Motorsports teammate and 2009 championship runner-up Mark Martin: "Jimmie has gotten a lot better looking. As a kid he was ugly. He was so ugly that he had to trick-or-treat by telephone."
 

mghtx

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Oct 23, 2008
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Whoo..... You have to be careful with this stuff. Not everybody can take it, and it can get out of hand REAL fast. And feelings can get hurt too. And with nascar being so PC and the sponsors and all...I can understand why they don't want that on TV.
 

dpkimmel2001

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Nov 6, 2008
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Whoo..... You have to be careful with this stuff. Not everybody can take it, and it can get out of hand REAL fast. And feelings can get hurt too. And with nascar being so PC and the sponsors and all...I can understand why they don't want that on TV.

Not everybody, who? The participants? They knew what a roast was. If you're a viewer and you don't like it, change the channel. Many of the soundbytes were already played the same night on CBL's show and they were hilarious. I think that you will see next years roast in an edited form on TV. :bigthumbup:
 

Calypso

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Apr 29, 2009
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Could someone tell me how the heck this was funny: Whoever came up with this for Denny to say I guess wanted to make him out to not be funny but look like an idiot...

From Denny Hamlin: "The only thing faster than Jimmie's car is his receding hairline."